Prepubescent Human Pleads Innocent to Push Button Abuse

5 June 2005

The Abused Buttons Committee (ABC) filed a police report last Sunday against a preteen homo sapien for the wrongful and abusive misuse of informative push buttons at the local Science Center.

"We have had enough of abuse from itchy fingers and sweaty palms slamming on us for the sake of it. We are here for a reason but the human species just don't understand our purpose and place in this world." A visibly depressed push button was heard lamenting. Traces of grotesque humanoid fingerprints - evidence of abuse - were clearly seen on its once shiny surface.

Melamine push buttons have always been a target of senseless bullying by juvenile homo sapiens. This is especially more commonplace during the school holiday season of June and December.

A spokeshuman from the local science center clarified that the push buttons are for use in conjunction with informative signs at each exhibit. When properly used, the push buttons help to tell the story of science. He said, "Science explains the world around us, and the push buttons have been very helpful in educating humans for many years. Unfortunately, there has been a recent trend of abusive juveniles who intentionally slam on push buttons just to see exhibit panels light up."

A visit to the local science center by the reporter revealed that other contraptions used to help explain the various exhibits were also abused in the hands of humans.

Indeed, the exhibit panels, joysticks and keyboards are also lodging a similar complaint to the authorities.

When asked by the reporter, a Ministry of Education spokeshuman confirmed that "the Ministry has basically given up on teaching children about the values of learning and finding out about the things around us. Science is dead. Our local homo sapiens have been conditioned to rely on the local education system to give them the required knowledge rather than have the children be inquisitive and to seek knowledge. We actually provide a Knowledge Module provided in a very attractive package. It consists of 10-year-series assessment books and a DVD of exam questions from the local top 10 schools. As long as school fees are paid, the child will get this attractive package. We however, do not guarantee A's as we need to stream children according to their parents' PSLE (or equivalent) results and net worth according to the amount of toilet paper they own. In the past 5 years or so, we have kept up with technology and done away with ardious researching at the library and ownership of full volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica. In fact, we are reviewing the usefulness of internet."

Science is dead. When the things around us cannot be explained by science, then the very notion of Science is dead. Inquisitive humans will be a thing of the past.

Coming back to the original story, the preteen accused of abusing and misuse of push buttons has pleaded innocence to the charge. "I only blindly follow what my friends are doing. It is so cool to press those buttons! It is the in-thing to do! How can I be charged for something that is cool? I don't need to understand why chickens come from eggs, or why aeroplanes can fly. My teacher will tell me that! I don't have to waste my time reading about it at the science center! Don't you know? We all come to the science center to play with the buttons!"

When asked about the on-going Einstein exhibition at the science center, the unabrashed youth replied, "Does IT have buttons to press?"